Me (last night): "Can everyone stop acting like there's actually a blizzard coming? It's probably just going to rain. At most there'll be a light dusting of snow that turns to slush by morning. They ALWAYS predict blizzards and nothing ever happens. I'll believe it when I see it."

All right, Mother Nature, you old bat, you won this round...

 

The other day on the train, a woman who was easily twice the size of a single seat squeezed herself, without hesitation, into the open space next to me, immediately crushing me into the bar and half shoving me out the other side. With my arms squashed up against my face, I turned as best as I could and said "Really? Are you actually serious?" She laughed awkwardly, replied "Yep" and then immediately stood up and moved away. I still don't understand the point of the whole incident.

Dear big dude on the train: when I politely made some extra room for you to sit down, it was not an invitation to throw yourself into the seat and sprawl out your legs so wide that I'm shocked you didn't pull your groin.

I sincerely doubt that you have anything down there that warrants that kind of crotch space, so in the future, please don't look all put out when I "accidentally" use my knee to shove yours back together. Thank you.

I will never ever enjoy the sensation of biting into a fresh fruit again. I almost started eating a nectarine, then decided to cut it up at the last minute. When I did, I discovered some horrible growth within. I couldn't tell if it was an alien organism or a mushroom, but it was quivering and had these weird fungus-like ridges. Mold is one thing but I am now traumatized for life.

I should be doing work but instead I'm scrounging for change, because it annoys me that there are hundreds of dollars in coins hidden and scattered around my apartment. Maybe it's the spring cleaning mood kicking in but I was overcome by a sudden compulsion to gather all of these coins, stuff them into those stupid little paper rolls and take them to the bank. So that's what I'm doing. Obsessively. I'm scaring myself a little.

That awkward moment when a crowded train suddenly clears out and the only people left in the car are you and the person sitting right next to you...

I totally ruined a deeply romantic moment on the way home from gym last night, but honestly, if you decide to play out a dramatic goodbye kiss under an umbrella, in the pouring rain, while standing right in front of the building entrance...you really shouldn't be surprised when someone comes barrelling towards you yelling "EXCUSE ME!!"

I had the most bizarre experience with a crazy woman today. I got on the elevator, this woman stared at me and said: "Do you have your umbrella?"

I gave her a blank look and she said "Do you have your umbrella for the trip to Ground Zero?" with this dead serious, irritated expression.

I stuttered a bit, with no idea how to respond and then she said "Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain."

And then she got off the elevator.